I forgive me!

It seems like forever since I really felt in control, but in reality it hasn't been that long since I was up at 5:30, (in the wee hours of the morning) doing my exercises, eating healthy and feeling great. Somewhere along the way I got sidetracked, not sure if it was splurging on extra points, grabbing my trigger foods and pretending that this would be the last candy bar I would eat. I'm not sure when I decided that just because my knee was hurting it would be ok to not exercise for awhile. This has been my life for as long as I can remember. How do you restart when you are so mad at yourself for doing the one thing you tell yourself you are not doing again. The only way I can think of is to just forgive yourself and start again. Did you notice I didn't say start over, well that's the good news, I don't have to start over, I have learned to much to have to do that. I am not one that likes to dwell on the past, being introspective is a good thing, but for me it is sometimes just to depressing. I would rather look ahead, plan to do better, and be glad that I can push re-start once again, forgive myself for being weak, get back on track and change the things I can. Being honest, that's the hard part, it's really not that hard to do the right thing, there is freedom in doing the right thing, living your best, taking care of yourself. Don't be fooled by the lies (you hear in your head) They are lies!!! You probably can't eat just one! You probably won't do your exercises when the weather clears up! The truth is I can do this, the truth is I will!

It's me!

I didn't die! :)

My first 5K ever!

Cancer Challenge - 5K - 10K June 26th, 2010

This will be my first race to ever enter. I decided on this race because I have lost family and friends to cancer and I would like to see a cure in my lifetime.

This is a big leap of faith for me, and a huge challenge as well. I am training now and I hope I don't embarrass myself by coming in last. Whatever the outcome, I am going to give it my best effort.

I have been exercising in the early mornings and a good friend has been calling me and offering me support, I know some mornings I would have just blown it off if not for her. Is is hard to change a lifetime of neglecting to exercise and take care of my body? Yes!!!!! It is, but it is so worth it. I am hoping that one day I will jump out of bed and be raring to go, ( will that day ever come), I am not sure at this point if I will ever love it completly, but I am determined to keep it up until it becomes second nature.

Now about that healthy eating thing. I pretty much bottomed out on my trip to Alabama, it is so hard to get back on track, but this is the week I will do it!

In my Life

Most of the time when I make a decision about my life it is just a spur of the moment decision, never very well thought out and usually the results can be seen in my spontaneous decision making. This is not true right now {in this moment}. I have been thinking about this for some time now. Why I do the things I do, why do I let myself get so sidetracked, why do I find it so hard to take better care of me. Most of the reasons lead me back to the fact that I am a very live-in-moment-person. Whatever happens to be going on in my life usually overrides my plans and the goals I have worked so hard to achieve. Something has to change, and that change has to come from me. I am always going to be an impulsive person, that is part of who I am. That is one of the things I like about myself, but it is also one of the things that so often brings me to defeat. So right now {in this moment} I am making some decisions that will hopefully help me when the day head offers me something I can't resist.

• Start my day off (5:30 AM with exercise)
• Plan my menu the day before (Be flexible, but be consistent)
• Enjoy this moment (they are going fast)

Small changes, but they are HUGE changes.... In my life, I have to move, I can't put it off... This is the one thing I find to be the most difficult, and for me and it is the most important part of my quest to live a healthy life. Thanks to a good friend (for her early morning calls) I am on my way!!!!!!

No more whine with my cheese please.

On the other hand I will have some pepper jelly with cream cheese on my new Bagel thins.

This healthy eating and losing weight is a tough life at times. I just don't want to be continually beat up by my lack of standing firm. I am my biggest foe in this fight, and I do believe it to be a fight. I am a list maker so I decided to make a list of the things I willing let defeat me and a list of the reasons I WILL NOT lose this battle. First off I want to say I take full responsibility for my lack of discipline in this area of my life. That being said these are the things that have been defeating me in my quest to be healthy and lose this weight.

• The weather! I hate cold, I can't walk out side and it makes me sluggish. Hate the snow, hate it, except at first, and to be honest....I love snow days.
• My lack of planning. When I get in a rut like this, I just don't want to plan, I don't want to make a grocery list, and I don't want to think about new recipes.
• People that could not care less about your struggle. This one is one that I deal with most often. It seems like I am the odd duck, always watching, always trying to be aware of what I eat. Sometimes it is just plain hard to swim against the tide. I don't always want to say no to the pizza, that gets brought in the office, the cake, the candy that gets laid on my desk, by my friendly co-workers. Sometimes I just want to be like them, except for me, I gain weight and they seem to stay the same. (insert violin here)
• My need to please! This is a big one for me, sometimes I want to just fix my man the things he likes instead of the healthy foods I expierement on. (and I am sure he tires of the disasters that happen along the way) The problem with that is he likes very very high fat foods, hot dogs, hamburgers and french fries.

These are the things I will do to (or try to do) to overcome these setbacks or obstacles.

• There is nothing I can do about the weather, I am just gonna have to deal with that one. I need sun, I need warm days. So on this one I will have to bite the bullit and find a way to cope with mother nature.
• I have decided to plan ahead for when I don't want to plan. Make menus for several weeks, and choose between the ones that fit that week best. ( why didn't I think of this before)
• Temptation is always gonna be around me. I am not sure how to deal with this one. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I can be defeated so quickly when I am down in the dumps, nervous, happy, or just plain bored. When my resolve has already been broken other people can influence me so easily. I really need to find a way to set boundaries at work, and also find ways to not feel sorry for myself because I am the only one with these boundaries.
• I have come to the conclusion that the best way to please my honey is to make sure he is around for awhile, the hot dogs have got to go, especially the ones that are huge!!

Thanks so much for the comments, I really appreciate it, and it gave me just the needed push to stop the pity party!!!

I want to cry!

Thats all for now!

So I gained a few pounds, well more than a few.

I have been avoiding the scale as if it were the enemy, as if this piece of metal was going to expose me for the failure I have become. My clothes told me the truth, my pants were tight, my energy has been gone, but still I would look at that piece of metal and avoid it. One of my favorite sayings has always been " Fiddle-de-de I will think about this tomorrow". That hasn't worked for me in the past, and its not working for me now. You know its really hard, I'm not blaming anyone but it seems like when your resolve is shaken just a little, or when you start making bad choices everyone celebrates with you. Does that seem right, why don't my friends just grab the food out of my hands, why don't they yell at me and remind me that I worked to hard to give up now. I have to remind myself constantly that it is no one's responsibility but my own to make the right choices. No one has to tell me not to eat 2 boxes of chocolates in one sitting, I know that would make me sick. No one has to tell me that every day that I make these bad choices I am getting farther and farther from where I was a few months ago.

So..... I stepped on the scale, and since November, I have gained 8 pounds. I am really scared, but I don't know anything else to do but to just get back to the business of taking care of myself. Tomorrow, I am going to make the right choices, I am going to eat right, I am going to exercise, and I am going to get back to the good life.....yes it is the good life!